Learning New Things
One of my favorite features in every issue of Esquire Magazine is “10 Things You Don’t Know About Women”. It’s a fun look into the minds of female up and comers as well as veterans.
I thought I would critique the 10 Things, as written by Judy Greer, a fine actress and Detroit native. I have abridged her statements into simple headings.
1. Vulgarity of Women: It’s Worse than Men!
- Untrue. Women have no idea the stuff men can think of. When was the last time a woman fantasized about being chained to a wall breasts while a midget goes down her? Don’t forget the three 6ft. tall WNBA players attaching car batteries to the nipples while a Scottish man smears shit on the adjacent wall while repeating the phrase, “Don’t spill the milk,” over and over. That is the vulgarity of man.
2. Toilet Seat: We’re over it.
- About time.
3. “We drink till you’re cute, too.”
- Then you puke all over us mid-makeout. Thanks.
4. Spooning: Hair + Heavy Arms + Snoring = Suck.
- I would have thought so. I’ve never understood the mass marketed idea of “falling asleep in each other’s arms,”. It’s extremely uncomfortable for both partners, and if you really want to prove love or passion, make them raisin toast the next day.
5. Boys Playing Guitar: Lame
- Well, yeah. Didn’t you ever see Animal House?
6. “You’re so smart,” = “You’re so adorable when you try to act smart.”
- Hey! What the fuck? Oh, Shannon’s ass is grass!
7. Sexy beats cute. Smart trumps sexy. Funny takes the pot.
- She is obviously a very intelligent woman.
8. Woman tune you out, too.
- To be expected of course, however, we can tell and usual stop talking. Women on the other hand, seem to keep on trucking, throwing something important in the middle just to stick it to us later.
9. Derek Jeter vs. Meg Ryan.
- Women dig sports and guys dig romantic comedies. Here’s a thought, watch the movies/sports that you BOTH like. In the meantime, we’ll stop bragging we made it ‘13 Going on 30’ if you stop rolling your eyes when it goes to overtime.
10. No fake orgasms. Well, a few.
- If you don’t feel like doing it, just blow us.
