Loopy
So you know how I used to complain that I never “bumped” into anyone? “I never see anybody,” I used to wail whenever a friend told me about an encounter they had had with someone I used to know. It’s not like these interactions were happening at obscure back alley bars or anything like that; this was happening at your neighborhood CVS or public library and it seemed to be happening everywhere and to everyone, except for me.
Honestly, I was okay with it. Its not that I have made enemies or anything dramatic like that, but there is a mighty long list filled with people with whom a face to face encounter would create a situation so uncomfortable, so tangibly difficult, I would have to jump out of a window to save myself the pain of trying to make small talk.
Recently, however, I have begun to feel very much “on the grid” again. I was traceable. There were people who know me talking to people who no longer know me. I was found on myspace.com. My blog was found. I received phone calls. I was on the radar. The map. The grid. My name, for a very short time I am sure, flowed across the lips of gossip circles and information chains before (and rightfully so) being tossed off into the psychic ether, likely to be forgotten.
This freaked me out.
I suddenly became very self conscious sitting in my home. Even with the blinds drawn I felt very exposed. I felt like I needed to draw up justifications to decisions I made years ago for events and circumstances I hadn’t even thought of in years. I’ve never regretted any personal decision I’ve ever made, but I suddenly became very aware of how things can be perceived, especially if there are people out there telling lies. If I wasn’t thinking about the perception of my relationships, I was thinking about the perception of my professional life. This especially hurt because A) I am not where I want to be and B) I am not doing what I want to do. I’m not the very proud of the headway I have made in my career field and I was dreading having to answer the, “So… what do you do?”
All of this anxiety came to a head last week when I had a very peculiar dream. I was walking around a house party filled with faces from the past. As I entered the house to say hello to someone I heard them scream, “Asshole,” so loudly and with such anger and hatred in their voice it literally woke me up. I rarely ever dream let alone so vividly that it shakes me awake. This was the fourth time it has ever happened.
Ego messes with you doesn’t it? It makes you feel small for not accomplishing more with your life, while simultaneously making you feel big by making you believe that anyone could give a rat’s ass about you. I complain about being on the radar, and yet I’ve been writing a public blog for close to three years. My Libra duality aside, that’s pretty hypocritical.
